Stuff I probably should have tweeted, #19

More random Facebook updates from June to September…

18th July – It’s easy to get disgruntled during a heatwave, but you should always remember those less fortunate than you. For example, somewhere in an office in India that’s even hotter than this part of Oxfordshire, there’s a ‘Microsoft Technical Consultant’ waiting to fix the ‘errors’ on my PC and wondering why I’m taking so long to come back to the phone.

26th July – Dreamed in the early hours of this morning that we watched an episode of the new Doctor Who series, set in a haunted mansion, in which the monsters looked a bit like pint-sized versions of the Vocs from ‘The Robots of Death’, but with the temperament and behavoiur of the Boohbahs. I think may be onto something. Or possibly just on something.

31st July – There was a large dog poo sitting at the edge of the coastal path. But that was OK, because I was able to warn the rest of our party by loudly declaring “MIND THE CRAP!”

10th August – If all the world were paper, and all the seas were ink, the coastal erosion would presumably be catastrophic.

17th August – Does anyone else look at a box of Bryant & May matches and get an involuntary Queen earworm?

24th August – “We ordered a breakfast bap without ketchup,” I said to the nice woman behind the counter, “but you’ve put ketchup in there. Now, it’s only on the underside of the bap, and everything else is fine. Would it be possible to give my wife a new bottom?”

29th August – Irony is: working out a painless, efficient and argument-free method of erecting the tent three days after you deem it no longer fit for its intended purpose.

29th August – There’s a woman on Radio 2 being interviewed at the National Gallery, where they apparently “have paintings by Raphael, Michelangelo and Leonardo”. It is impossible for me not to add another name onto the end of that sentence.

3rd September – Yesterday morning, we heard Chris Evans say “You’ve got to hand it to One Direction”. Presumably the ‘it’ was a live grenade, with the pin removed.

3rd September – In the kitchen doing the dishes while Kate Bush sings “Washing machi-i-i-i-ne…”. This led Emily to come in and ask if the cat was all right.

8th September – The words “Please. Don’t leave me. Not like this” carry considerably less emotional weight when you’re shouting them at the cat, who’s run out of the cat flap because you accidentally trod on her paw.

9th September – Dear person who found my blog by Googling “sonic screwdriver porn pics” …oh, never mind.

16th September – In a new publicity drive, anyone who votes ‘yes’ on Thursday will have a free Proclaimers album added to their playlist.

17th September – Emily sprinkled chopped rosemary on the lamb steaks she cooked for dinner this evening. She would have used more herbs, she said, but she didn’t have thyme.

20th September – It turns out that if you jump on the vacuum cleaner in just the right way, you can switch it on. The cat has just discovered this. She is not pleased.

29th September – Dear Skyrim avatar: for future reference, the next time you travel through snowy mountains, past bandits, booby traps, wolf things, undead orc things with Nordic swords and a giant spider in order to retrieve a dragonstone, it’s always best if you remember to actually take the stone with you when you leave.

29th September – Life is all about the small things. This evening we were coming back from swimming and on the roundabout a couple of hundred yards from home, some boy racer roared in behind me, tailgating furiously and swerving, gesticulating because I wasn’t matching his dangerous speed in a built up area, desperate to overtake but unable to because of oncoming traffic.

So I drove the final stretch at fifteen miles an hour.

Stuff I probably should have tweeted, #18

Now that I’ve joined the twenty-first century, I might have to change the name of this segment to “Stuff I probably should have tweeted, and occasionally did”. But why break with tradition?

2nd April – I do not like green XNM.

4th April – It’s hard to tell what’s weirder: Marmite-flavoured peanuts, or the fact that the cat is trying to eat them.

12th April – There is just one moon and one golden sun / And a smile means friendship to everyone / Except to a small Polynesian tribe, who will interpret it as an act of war and probably kill you on the spot.

16th April – Have just driven a medium sized white van to Twyford and back to collect a pile of furniture from Kate. It went fine and I didn’t crash the thing once, but I swear this stuff is easier in Grand Theft Auto.

19th April – Oh give me a home / Where the buffalo roam / And a shovel. And also a Vax machine.

22nd April – I am halfway through Naoki Higashida’s Book Club favourite on autism. It’s called The Reason I Jump. As interesting as his given explanation is, I would have preferred it if the answer had been “Because someone somewhere is pressing X on the Playstation controller”.

2nd May – The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: 1. Remove wrapper. 2. Eat chocolate.

10th May – That awkward moment when the guy in the Transporter that you deliberately obstructed when he tailgated you and tried to cut you up is not only travelling the same way but is in the car park next to you…

10th May – It really does sound like Conchita’s singing “Rise like a penis”.

28th May – I was ruminating the other night: it can be so upsetting when people you know work so hard to fulfill their dreams, and then have everything snatched away from them, right in front of their eyes. It just seems unfair. Then I remembered that they’d already won six of the prizes hiding behind Bully, and their darts hadn’t been great, so they probably shouldn’t have gambled.

8th June – Finished Dan Brown’s Inferno. Genuinely couldn’t work out whether I was reading a conspiracy thriller or a travel guide.

13th June – Have reached the conclusion that it’s called a DNA test because when the Jeremy Kyle guests are asked the identity of their children’s fathers, the general response is “D’naaaa….”

24th June – The pub along the road from Reading Cemetery used to be a favourite spot for post-funeral gatherings, but these days it’s part of the Sizzling chain. We had thought about heading there today when the service had finished, but decided it might not be the most appropriate venue to visit just after a cremation.

Stuff I probably should have tweeted, #17

More random scribblings from the first quarter of 2014…

6th January – My new notebook came pre-installed with Windows 8. In many respects it seems far more instant and user-friendly than Windows 7. I don’t like that.

8th January–  Emily just told me that she heard me swearing at the computer last night, yelling “I HAD BULLET POINTS! WHERE ARE MY BULLET POINTS?!?”. She has now informed me that Microsoft Word is the technological equivalent of Dan Brown. Half the time it thinks it’s being clever, but it isn’t; as such it’s just annoying.

8th January–  Emily and I would like to know whether, in the new version of Thundercats, Lion-o is now called Laminate.

10th January– I mean, I could watch Jeremy Kyle. Or I could go and hang out at the shopping centre. The conversation is essentially the same.

10th January– After Tuesday’s edition of Holby City the BBC flashed up a number you could ring if you were affected by any of the issues covered in this week’s episode. So I called them. I got one of those automated menu things. However, there didn’t seem to be any option for ‘piss poor dialogue’, ‘ludicrous plot development’, ‘staggering medical inaccuracies’ or ‘clear evidence of malpractice’.

14th January– Does anyone else ever get that thing where you’re listening to a song on the radio, and the lyrics are so full of profanity that every other word is bleeped out, and about halfway through the second verse you find yourself thinking “Seriously, what was the point in playing this?”.

28th January– Idea! Someone should produce a montage of shots of St. Paul’s and Tower Bridge and Trafalgar Square, and Buckingham Palace and the Underground and pearly kings and queens. All scored to ‘London Calling’. It’s such an innovative and original concept I can’t believe no one’s done it before now.

29th January– Instigating a half hour exercise plan was a good idea. Doing it wearing skintight leopard print pyjamas in front of a Kinect game that pastes your image on screen so that you can see it? Not so much.

15th February– Sometimes it’s quite fun writing it E.E. Cummings. You know, just to be a bit subversive.

20th February– On the M4, not too far from Slough, there is a motorway sign that reads ‘This sign is not in use’. We decided it was a paradox.

17th March– There is a house in New Orleans / They call the Rising Sun / It does a decent Peking Duck / And set price meal for one.

23rd March– Curious. While looking up German surnames I discovered that ‘Bauer’ means ‘farmer, peasant’. This means that translated to English, ‘Jack Bauer’ would either be ‘Jack Farmer’, which sounds cool, or ‘Jack Peasant’, which really doesn’t.

Stuff I probably should have tweeted, #16

1st October – Tabitha is pouncing round the kitchen catching and eating daddy longlegs. I think this may be her way of telling us she wants feeding.

7th October – If Benedict Cumberbatch were to have a son, he ought to name him Quentin. Because then he’ll be Q. Cumberbatch.

10th October – Only my other half would describe a midwife appointment with the words “She stabbed me in the arm and sucked my blood…”.

7th November –  Oh, predictive text. Where have you been all my loaf?

10th November – It was a decent memorial service, but it’s kind of difficult to grant the dead quite the same level of respect and decorum when the prayers are interrupted by one of the girl scouts being sick on the pavement.

12th November – It’s fine, love. Your pants are very nice, and if you want to show them to us by hitching up your skirt while you readjust your tights while we’re in the middle of a conversation, you go ahead. I’m sure no one at the swimming pool minds.

18th November – Emily is sitting in the kitchen, bouncing on a large purple gym ball in an attempt to kickstart this baby’s journey down the birth canal, building a model TARDIS. It is times like this that I remember why I married her.

30th November – Tonight on Facebook: The Movie List List Challenge, or A Hundred Movie List Challenges You Must Examine Before You Die. How many of these have *you* done?

2nd December – I know it’s about as likely as an Abba reunion, because he’d never agree to it, but it struck me this evening that Peter Gabriel Night would make for a potentially half-decent edition of The X-Factor.

3rd December – While in the library this morning I came across a rewritten version of A Christmas Carol in which Ebeneezer Scrooge battles, Living Dead style, against hordes of decaying corpses. It features – and I’m not kidding – the battle cry “God bash ’em, every zom!”.

6th December – Mother-in-law is in the spare room. She said that she didn’t sleep particularly well, and woke up at 5 a.m. with a sore throat, so she ate a Fisherman’s Friend. I didn’t even know they were touring.

6th December – In the village, the peaceful village / The lion sleeps tonight / However, the villagers seem to be having trouble dropping off.

6th December – Why do I always get stuck behind the woman paying with the coin bag? WHY?

17th December – He’s making a list / and checking it twice / which is hardly the most efficient of workflows, which suggests Santa isn’t familiar with the concept of value stream mapping, or at the very least buddy checking.

19th December – Tabitha’s becoming almost clumsy as she approaches middle age. Last night, she was sitting on the desk in the study when she seemed to slip seven inches along a plain unvarnished surface, tumbling off the edge in an acrobatic display that seemed to defy the laws of physics, and digging in hard and fast with her claws to the first thing she could reach on the way down. Unfortunately that turned out to be my hand.

22nd December – Dear visiting preacher: I know it’s the final Sunday in Advent, and I know we’re thinking about Mary, and I know that it’s a time of reverence and respect amidst the joy and celebration. But please don’t speak about lighting four candles and expect me to keep a straight face.

Stuff I probably should have tweeted, #15

2nd July – This morning’s word of the day: Attic Room Bug Syndrome. That feeling you get when you have to stand in the bedroom, hand on hips, other hand pointing firmly out of the door, in an attempt to get your children to mobilise, and you suddenly feel like the housekeeper from Jet Set Willy.

8th July – I don’t know why, but every time I hear Alan Jackson sing “It’s only half past twelve, but I don’t care / It’s five o’clock somewhere”, I find myself involuntarily replying “Only if you’re several regions to the left of an offset time zone…”

18th July – Memo to self: when encountering done-up-to-the-nines female colleague, I’m sure that saying “I barely recognised you, you look lovely” sounded like a compliment when it was only in your head.

7th August – If Beverley Craven really is right where she wants to be, losing track of time, how come she knows it’s four o’clock in the morning?

28th August – Well, I hope that little girl now realises that if you sit in an unlocked Portaloo, people are going to open the door…

3rd September – Does anyone else find it amusing that people like Vinnie Jones tell everyone how sick and tired they are of immigration, and then show their disgust by going off to live in another country?

7th September – Just managed to get the air mattress back in its bag. It’s a question of laying it down flat and squeezing from one side and the other, and then curling it into a tube, inch by inch, and then lying down on it every so often to push out the last of the air. It takes a long time, requires considerable physical effort and there’s probably an easier way to do it, but that’s how I roll.

8th September – Watching Withnail & I accompanied by a bottle of Hardys. If Em weren’t seven months pregnant I might have convinced her to do the drinking game. Probably a good thing she is, because we don’t have any lighter fluid.

20th September – You know you need to curb your Portal 2 obsession when you get to the last vacant slot in a car park and find yourself bellowing “SPAAAAAAAACE!!”.

21st September – As much as I enjoyed The Expendables 2, I can’t help thinking that including a screen credit that begins “Story by…” is colossally misleading.

28th September – Lesson learned this morning: if you’re supposed to go and get something from Cargo, you can save yourself a lot of time and considerable confusion if you remember that Cargo and Robert Dyas aren’t the same place.

Stuff I probably should have tweeted, #14

6th April – I thought a leopard print t-shirt would be a good look for me. Emily told me last night that I looked like the only gay in the village. Guess which one of us was right.

9th April – To those of you suffering from Thatcher fatigue, I offer this word of condolence: imagine what Facebook and Twitter would have been like if we’d had them when Diana died.

11th April – I’ve decided that the best thing that the Daily Mail could do would be to annoy the Scientologists. To the extent that they take legal action. Then the Hubbard brigade could wipe out the Mail, and then hopefully bankrupt themselves in the process. And everybody’s happy.

15th April – Does anyone else wonder whether Margaret Thatcher was a Belieber?

18th April – Tabitha brought me a present this morning. At least this one was intact. The last time, it was missing a head.

19th April – You know you’re being punished for something when you wake in the morning with a Jive Bunny earworm.

19th April – Signs your marriage is rock solid: Every time you find yourself randomly singing “Am I a man, or am I a Muppet?”, your other half can be heard shouting “Muppet!” from the next room.

24th April – I waited seventeen minutes before returning to the phone after telling the British Gas salesman I’d be back in a moment. I wonder how long he hung around on the other end?

7th May – You know you’re having a good day when “a number of complaints” results in the removal of one of your Daily Mail comments.

10th May – Jeremy Vine just asked “Does a musician have a special relationship with their instrument?”. And I’m sorry, I’m thinking about American Pie.

24th May – In many ways it’s annoying that the USB slot is situated in such an awkward position on the rear of our TV. It means you have to actually move round to see where to plug in a memory stick or wire. On the other hand, it’s been a positive life experience, because I have recently become very good at facing setbacks.

31st May – “Pages you might like: Heineken”. Thanks, but I prefer Pabst Blue Ribbon.

3rd June – How could I possibly have clipped nine fingernails this morning, and then forgotten about the last one? And then not noticed for seven hours?

5th June – I am considering trying an eighties hairstyle, but remain unconvinced that it would suit me. I may have to mull it over.

7th June – Dear person who found my Doctor Who blog by Googling ‘Numberjacks fanfiction’ – Dude. Seriously?

8th June – Emily just stepped on a duck. There is a joke in that somewhere.

9th June – As a mark of respect for Iain Banks, tomorrow evening we will be eating hot dogs.

22nd June – Dear person who found my Doctor Who blog by googling ‘sonic screwdriver in my pussy’…Never mind.

28th June – Have the Wurzels ever covered ‘Just The Way You Are’? Because I think there’s a golden opportunity there.

Stuff I probably should have tweeted, #13

1st January – The shops in the less reputable part of Bristol that we drove through this afternoon were basically of the massage parlour variety. But sandwiched between all the adult book stores, gentlemen’s clubs and ‘Private Shops’ with blacked up windows, we also noticed an orienteering establishment called Dick’s Climbing, just a few doors along from the Bristol Genuine Seed Company. There was also a barber’s called Cut and Thrust. At least I think it was a barber’s. I really can’t be sure.

6th January – Why is it we never purchase packets of Mumbai mix, or order Beijing duck?

25th January – Need to explain to Emily that we didn’t get her this tablet just so she can play games on it all the time. She has to use it for schoolwork.

26th January – Emily has just discovered Temple Run 2. I fear I may shortly become a Nexus widower.

27th January – Accompanied the congregation in this evening’s service. During the closing hymn I suddenly couldn’t remember whether I’d played six verses or only five, having got mixed up in all that excitement. It was like a scene from Dirty Harry, with an electric piano.

30th January – You know you haven’t quite grown up when the radio’s playing Steeleye Span, and every time they sing the title lyric of ‘All Around My Hat’, you interrupt them with “ARSE!”.

1st February – The boys are watching an episode of Arthur in which one of the adults was just heard to declare “The snow’s getting heavier”. My response, needless to say, was “And Leon’s getting LARGER!”.

6th February – I bought Emily a Jamie Oliver peeler for her birthday, and over lunch she was extolling its virtues. She said she often feels like peeling Jamie Oliver, and now she can do it whenever she likes.

6th February – Dear bus driver – can you please stop lurching? It’s really difficult to play Temple Run.

6th February – Man goes to the doctor. Pineapples to the nurse. (Think about it.)

7th February – Emily had trouble sleeping last night. We’ve both agreed that she needs to deal with the elephant in the room. The elephant has apologised for the snoring.

10th February – Do Harry Potter house elves ever work in the launderette?

13th February – Am glancing through the ‘what’s on’ guide and reflecting on the fact that many popular British entertainers began their careers here at Butlins. And also ended them.

14th February – He said I’ve been to the year 3000 / Not much has changed but they live underwater / Although, when you think about it, that’s actually a pretty fundamental and epoch-defining shift, with all sorts of sociological, evolutionary and environmental implications.

15th February – It’s always a bit disconcerting – and depressing – to come back from holiday, think you might have been burgled, and then remember no, the house really was that messy when you left it.

20th February – This evening’s Muse opening to the Brits, just before James Corden arrived to compere, reminded me of a very early Friends episode in which Chandler says that kissing is like “the standup comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out”. Only, you know, in reverse.

7th March – At first I hoped Bonnie Tyler would sing a Jim Steinmann song at Eurovision. Now I’m rather glad she isn’t, because Steinmann couldn’t possibly come up with a winning, substantial tour-de-force in three minutes. He can barely manage it in six.

11th March – I’m dreaming of a white Easter / Just like the ones I used to / Ermm.

20th March – I know you shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, but am I the only one who used to borrow James Herbert books from the library not for any literary merit, but solely to look at the sex scenes?

25th March – Emily and I have long wondered if we’re the only people who, when encountering a ‘Think Bike, Think Biker’ notice, automatically read it in a Geordie accent.

25th March – Emily is making flapjack. I have warned her to make sure it’s square or rectangular. We won’t have any flapjack-related injuries in this house.

Stuff I probably should have tweeted, #12

6th October – Signs you’re suffering from office burnout: you use a plunger in the bathroom and refer to it as sink performance management.

8th October – Am sitting on the top level of the bus, right at the front, pretending that the oncoming traffic is disappearing beneath the wheels. In a great many respects, Emily has four children to look after, rather than three.

13th October – Over the course of the last half hour, Tony Blackburn has played ‘Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life’ and ‘Wind of Change’. Not being able to whistle sucks.

19th October – All I want is a room somewhere / Far away from the cold night air / With one enormous chair / And a widescreen TV and 5.1 / And maybe somewhere to dock the laptop.

25th October – Introducing the new curry-flavoured condom. Just poppadom and watch your little mango wherever he wants to.

26th October – Oh, Kinect. Where have you been all my life? (And yes, I know the answer to that is “mostly in development”.)

30th October – Does anyone else receive periodic emails from Friends Reunited and wonder why they’re still bothering…?

4th November – Oxen are in my bed! Many, many oxen!

5th November – What does it say about me that every time any DJ plays a new record and says “Tell us what you make of that”, I feel the urge to text in “This? Well, I could make a hat. Or a brooch. Or a pterodactyl…”

7th November – Emily is exercising on the Kinect. I have just spent twenty minutes building a Duplo Emerald City. There is hope for one of us.

21st November – Memo to self: next time, just before you freak out over how much weight you’ve put on, remember to check that the trousers that no longer fit actually belong to you, and not your wife.

24th November – It’s funny, really. I used to listen to the Wu Tang Clan and think that Ol’ Dirty Bastard sounded like just the sort of name you’d give to a bad-ass gravel-voiced rapper. These days, all I think about is Jimmy Saville.

28th November – You know that awkward moment when you’re in a shop, and you run into someone you knew years ago and you say hello, and then they blank you, and you wonder why, and then you think maybe they didn’t hear you, and then you think it’s because you’ve grown a beard and perhaps they didn’t recognise you, and then you say hello again, and it actually turns out not to be them? Is there a word for that? There should be a word for that.

12th December – Am I overreacting if, when the Orange contract salesman refers to me as ‘mate’, my instinct is to visualise sticking an iPad up his arsehole?

12th December – In my car, Kate Bush is singing about humping a snowman. I always did find this one difficult…

Stuff I probably should have tweeted, #11

7th July – The rock and roll band in the Castle Hotel gardens just performed a rendition of ‘Great Balls of Fire’ that they managed to stretch to four and a half minutes. They’ve now launched into ‘What’d I Say’. We may be here for a while.

14th July – Intending to watch Doctor Who, but there’s a slight problem with my memory stick. You’ll never guess what it is.

22nd July – I just had an email detailing a shoe sale: buy one, get one free. I would have thought that was pretty much a given.

29th July – Theoretically, if the camping toilet is pushed back too far in the toilet tent, someone standing up having a wee might find that a sudden gust of wind could blow the lid shut mid stream, meaning it goes everywhere: all over the floor, the seat, the back of the tent, and all over them. You know, theoretically.

30th July – Who would win in a fight between Mr Tickle and Mr Fantastic?

4th August – Emily: “‘Add boiling water to one centimetre below fill line’. Well then, why call it a fill line…?”

11th August – Still on the road at half past midnight. We hit heavy traffic at Newport at gone eleven, and the service station is a hive of activity. WHO THE HELL ARE ALL THESE OTHER PEOPLE?

14th August – Having managed to claw my way through all 514 badly-written pages, I can’t help but think that ’50 Shades of Brown’ would have been a more appropriate title.

20th August – Hmmm. Feathers all over the lawn. On the upside, I probably don’t have to feed the cat this morning.

20th August – Dear person who found my parenting blog by Googling ‘heaving breast’ – yeah, dude. Whatever.

22nd August – I saw the crescent. You saw the whole of the moon. But it was a week and a half later, so I guess I was just the victim of bad timing.

25th August – You know you’re probably tired when you try and blow out a battery operated candle, and then try wetting your finger.

4th September – Meant to say, our walk on Sunday afternoon took us through the grounds of the Chequers. I waved to David Cameron. It was an austerity wave; I only used one finger.

7th September – Memo to self: if you’re rooting in your bag for the car key so you can go down and open up the hatchback, remember to actually take the key. A USB lead isn’t going to get you very far.

11th September – I just had a fifteen-year-old kid post on one of my YouTube videos to ask what the word ‘parallel’ means. To be honest, this left me feeling a bit depressed.

15th September – Have just watched the volleyball scene from Top Gun (in Spanish, because that’s the only version on YouTube) and it strikes me that volleyball is a sport that Tom Cruise simply shouldn’t play. You know, ever.

17th September – Dear person who found my Doctor Who blog by Googling ‘BDSM Angel’…yeah, whatever turns you on.

20th September – Yellow bird / Up high in banana tree / No, wait, that’s a banana.

24th September – So, after a weekend of eating mostly chips and cake and a week of being not awfully good about the diet, I appear to have lost three pounds. I have an unfortunate suspicion that this probably means I have tapeworm.

27th September – In a world of misleading headlines, one-sided documentaries and fraudulent research, I’d suggest that ‘Everybody Wants To Be A Cat’ is a clear contender for the most inaccurate song title in history.

28th September – There’s a kind of hush / All over the world tonight / All over the world you can hear the sound / Of lovers in love / But why are you eavesdropping on them, you pervert?

Stuff I probably should have tweeted, #10

Facebook updates from the second quarter of 2012…

17th April 2012 – Why is it that whenever I type ‘spreadsheet’ in an Outlook email, I get the wavy red line? I always thought it was one word.

23rd April – This evening Emily and I eschewed tidying the lounge in favour of real ale, and fish finger & McCain Micro Chip sandwiches. In some respects, we’ve never really got past our student years.

26th April – Dear person who found my Doctor Who blog by Googling ‘In the night garden gang bang’. Um, dude. WTF?

29th April – Dear person who found my Doctor Who blog by Googling ‘Doctors and companions trade outfits’ – Um. OK.

8th May – You know you’re a parent when you read the news headlines, see the words ‘underwear bomb’, and get an entirely different image.

9th May – Dear person who found my parenting blog by running a search for ‘Bagpuss nipples’. Um. OK then.

21st May – Would I really want to buy penis enlargement pills from someone called Dr. Maxman?

29th May – You know that thing where you address someone you’ve known for years by the wrong name, and they don’t react, and you only realise after they’ve passed in the opposite direction, and you can’t work out whether they didn’t hear you or were just too polite to say anything? Is there a word for that? There should be a word for that.

3rd June – Had great fun watching the flotilla. Then Emily came and flushed it. Might go and watch the boats instead.

11th June – Sorting out tea for the boys and then putting them to bed so that Emily can watch the match in peace. She’s built the shelf in their bedroom; later on I’ll get on with the ironing. We’re all about gender stereotypes round here.

26th June – Today on Office Lab Rats, we’ve learned that you can accidentally drop an LG through the gap between the rails, allowing it to fall down two flights of stairs onto a tiled floor, and it’ll still work. (Which is annoying, actually, because I really do want an upgrade.)

28th June – I don’t know what it says about my state of mind, so-called ‘musical ear’ or the state of the industry in general that I heard Will Young on Radio 2 this morning, and could have sworn it was Julia Fordham.

29th June – I’m not big on The Sun, but to give credit where credit’s due, responding to the Barclays scandal with the headline “Sign on you crazy Diamond” was inspired…

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