1st January – The shops in the less reputable part of Bristol that we drove through this afternoon were basically of the massage parlour variety. But sandwiched between all the adult book stores, gentlemen’s clubs and ‘Private Shops’ with blacked up windows, we also noticed an orienteering establishment called Dick’s Climbing, just a few doors along from the Bristol Genuine Seed Company. There was also a barber’s called Cut and Thrust. At least I think it was a barber’s. I really can’t be sure.

6th January – Why is it we never purchase packets of Mumbai mix, or order Beijing duck?

25th January – Need to explain to Emily that we didn’t get her this tablet just so she can play games on it all the time. She has to use it for schoolwork.

26th January – Emily has just discovered Temple Run 2. I fear I may shortly become a Nexus widower.

27th January – Accompanied the congregation in this evening’s service. During the closing hymn I suddenly couldn’t remember whether I’d played six verses or only five, having got mixed up in all that excitement. It was like a scene from Dirty Harry, with an electric piano.

30th January – You know you haven’t quite grown up when the radio’s playing Steeleye Span, and every time they sing the title lyric of ‘All Around My Hat’, you interrupt them with “ARSE!”.

1st February – The boys are watching an episode of Arthur in which one of the adults was just heard to declare “The snow’s getting heavier”. My response, needless to say, was “And Leon’s getting LARGER!”.

6th February – I bought Emily a Jamie Oliver peeler for her birthday, and over lunch she was extolling its virtues. She said she often feels like peeling Jamie Oliver, and now she can do it whenever she likes.

6th February – Dear bus driver – can you please stop lurching? It’s really difficult to play Temple Run.

6th February – Man goes to the doctor. Pineapples to the nurse. (Think about it.)

7th February – Emily had trouble sleeping last night. We’ve both agreed that she needs to deal with the elephant in the room. The elephant has apologised for the snoring.

10th February – Do Harry Potter house elves ever work in the launderette?

13th February – Am glancing through the ‘what’s on’ guide and reflecting on the fact that many popular British entertainers began their careers here at Butlins. And also ended them.

14th February – He said I’ve been to the year 3000 / Not much has changed but they live underwater / Although, when you think about it, that’s actually a pretty fundamental and epoch-defining shift, with all sorts of sociological, evolutionary and environmental implications.

15th February – It’s always a bit disconcerting – and depressing – to come back from holiday, think you might have been burgled, and then remember no, the house really was that messy when you left it.

20th February – This evening’s Muse opening to the Brits, just before James Corden arrived to compere, reminded me of a very early Friends episode in which Chandler says that kissing is like “the standup comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out”. Only, you know, in reverse.

7th March – At first I hoped Bonnie Tyler would sing a Jim Steinmann song at Eurovision. Now I’m rather glad she isn’t, because Steinmann couldn’t possibly come up with a winning, substantial tour-de-force in three minutes. He can barely manage it in six.

11th March – I’m dreaming of a white Easter / Just like the ones I used to / Ermm.

20th March – I know you shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, but am I the only one who used to borrow James Herbert books from the library not for any literary merit, but solely to look at the sex scenes?

25th March – Emily and I have long wondered if we’re the only people who, when encountering a ‘Think Bike, Think Biker’ notice, automatically read it in a Geordie accent.

25th March – Emily is making flapjack. I have warned her to make sure it’s square or rectangular. We won’t have any flapjack-related injuries in this house.