Can we fix it? Yes, we can, WITH THE WILL OF ALLAH

You know that story about the redesigned Bob the Builder? And the general reaction? And the fact that no one has blamed the Muslims yet?

Shortly headed for a far right Facebook page near you:


Remember: if there are no conspiracy theories, it is necessary to invent them…

Thorne Travel Advert


Stuff I probably should have tweeted, #19

More random Facebook updates from June to September…

18th July – It’s easy to get disgruntled during a heatwave, but you should always remember those less fortunate than you. For example, somewhere in an office in India that’s even hotter than this part of Oxfordshire, there’s a ‘Microsoft Technical Consultant’ waiting to fix the ‘errors’ on my PC and wondering why I’m taking so long to come back to the phone.

26th July – Dreamed in the early hours of this morning that we watched an episode of the new Doctor Who series, set in a haunted mansion, in which the monsters looked a bit like pint-sized versions of the Vocs from ‘The Robots of Death’, but with the temperament and behavoiur of the Boohbahs. I think may be onto something. Or possibly just on something.

31st July – There was a large dog poo sitting at the edge of the coastal path. But that was OK, because I was able to warn the rest of our party by loudly declaring “MIND THE CRAP!”

10th August – If all the world were paper, and all the seas were ink, the coastal erosion would presumably be catastrophic.

17th August – Does anyone else look at a box of Bryant & May matches and get an involuntary Queen earworm?

24th August – “We ordered a breakfast bap without ketchup,” I said to the nice woman behind the counter, “but you’ve put ketchup in there. Now, it’s only on the underside of the bap, and everything else is fine. Would it be possible to give my wife a new bottom?”

29th August – Irony is: working out a painless, efficient and argument-free method of erecting the tent three days after you deem it no longer fit for its intended purpose.

29th August – There’s a woman on Radio 2 being interviewed at the National Gallery, where they apparently “have paintings by Raphael, Michelangelo and Leonardo”. It is impossible for me not to add another name onto the end of that sentence.

3rd September – Yesterday morning, we heard Chris Evans say “You’ve got to hand it to One Direction”. Presumably the ‘it’ was a live grenade, with the pin removed.

3rd September – In the kitchen doing the dishes while Kate Bush sings “Washing machi-i-i-i-ne…”. This led Emily to come in and ask if the cat was all right.

8th September – The words “Please. Don’t leave me. Not like this” carry considerably less emotional weight when you’re shouting them at the cat, who’s run out of the cat flap because you accidentally trod on her paw.

9th September – Dear person who found my blog by Googling “sonic screwdriver porn pics” …oh, never mind.

16th September – In a new publicity drive, anyone who votes ‘yes’ on Thursday will have a free Proclaimers album added to their playlist.

17th September – Emily sprinkled chopped rosemary on the lamb steaks she cooked for dinner this evening. She would have used more herbs, she said, but she didn’t have thyme.

20th September – It turns out that if you jump on the vacuum cleaner in just the right way, you can switch it on. The cat has just discovered this. She is not pleased.

29th September – Dear Skyrim avatar: for future reference, the next time you travel through snowy mountains, past bandits, booby traps, wolf things, undead orc things with Nordic swords and a giant spider in order to retrieve a dragonstone, it’s always best if you remember to actually take the stone with you when you leave.

29th September – Life is all about the small things. This evening we were coming back from swimming and on the roundabout a couple of hundred yards from home, some boy racer roared in behind me, tailgating furiously and swerving, gesticulating because I wasn’t matching his dangerous speed in a built up area, desperate to overtake but unable to because of oncoming traffic.

So I drove the final stretch at fifteen miles an hour.

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