Someone’s killed Mr Brown

Friday evening, this happened.

Brown sauce

Then I put it on Facebook, and all hell broke loose. Here’s a summary:


John: I know you’ll find the sauce of this atrocity.

Thomas: The perp had a lot of bottle to carry out such a crime.

John: I hope you ketchup with them quickly.

Thomas: Do them for assault.

John: Interrogate them and squeeze the confession out.

Me: I haven’t got the bottle for that kind of investigation.

Me: Says he, not noticing that one’s already been done.

Thomas: Well, if you’d mustard the energy to hit “F5″…

Stuart: I have questioned all of the witnesses and there are 57 varieties of the truth. I think the Coleman is chief suspect though.

Thomas: I think your Mamite have some extra information.

Me: No, Daddy’s usually got the answers.

Stuart: There are two lines in the pub and the Bar A Queue don’t seem to know anything…therefore….

Thomas: Had you paid for it, or was it on HP?

Me: What a waste of a fresh bottle. I feel like I’ve been conned. Immense feelings of guilt.

Stuart: There was some confusion when I interviewed Diane – I thought she meant a cone was involved but it turned out it was a con-di-meant. This status stream is peppered with inaccuracies.

Thomas: Oil be off-line for a while. Play nice.

Me: We’re way past that. The chips are down.

Stuart: It appears that the sauces have dried up…

Thomas: I think you’ve got yourself into a bit of a pickle with that one. In fact, I think you killed the joke. I’ll pick a lily and throw it onto the coffin.

Stuart: I relish the chance for the joke to be reborn.

Thomas: If we’re going to preserve this punfest, we’re going to have to spread ourselves.

The next time I drop a bottle of sauce, I will clean up the mess and throw it in the bin. I WILL NOT SHARE VIA SOCIAL MEDIA.

Funny, but not helpful

Me: Darling? I’m sorry for disturbing the solitude and sanctity of your bathing house, but the first load of washing’s finished and I’m just changing over. Can you tell me what I need to put in the machine?

Emily [very slowly and deliberately]: DIR…TY….LAUN…DRY.

Drink! Girls!

This is why you should always get someone else to check your church murals first.



This is what happens if you leave cake tins in the garage, forgetting they weren’t actually empty, and then don’t open them for two and a half years.

Cake_1 Cake_2

Stuff I probably should have tweeted, #15

2nd July – This morning’s word of the day: Attic Room Bug Syndrome. That feeling you get when you have to stand in the bedroom, hand on hips, other hand pointing firmly out of the door, in an attempt to get your children to mobilise, and you suddenly feel like the housekeeper from Jet Set Willy.

8th July – I don’t know why, but every time I hear Alan Jackson sing “It’s only half past twelve, but I don’t care / It’s five o’clock somewhere”, I find myself involuntarily replying “Only if you’re several regions to the left of an offset time zone…”

18th July – Memo to self: when encountering done-up-to-the-nines female colleague, I’m sure that saying “I barely recognised you, you look lovely” sounded like a compliment when it was only in your head.

7th August – If Beverley Craven really is right where she wants to be, losing track of time, how come she knows it’s four o’clock in the morning?

28th August – Well, I hope that little girl now realises that if you sit in an unlocked Portaloo, people are going to open the door…

3rd September – Does anyone else find it amusing that people like Vinnie Jones tell everyone how sick and tired they are of immigration, and then show their disgust by going off to live in another country?

7th September – Just managed to get the air mattress back in its bag. It’s a question of laying it down flat and squeezing from one side and the other, and then curling it into a tube, inch by inch, and then lying down on it every so often to push out the last of the air. It takes a long time, requires considerable physical effort and there’s probably an easier way to do it, but that’s how I roll.

8th September – Watching Withnail & I accompanied by a bottle of Hardys. If Em weren’t seven months pregnant I might have convinced her to do the drinking game. Probably a good thing she is, because we don’t have any lighter fluid.

20th September – You know you need to curb your Portal 2 obsession when you get to the last vacant slot in a car park and find yourself bellowing “SPAAAAAAAACE!!”.

21st September – As much as I enjoyed The Expendables 2, I can’t help thinking that including a screen credit that begins “Story by…” is colossally misleading.

28th September – Lesson learned this morning: if you’re supposed to go and get something from Cargo, you can save yourself a lot of time and considerable confusion if you remember that Cargo and Robert Dyas aren’t the same place.

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