1st October – Tabitha is pouncing round the kitchen catching and eating daddy longlegs. I think this may be her way of telling us she wants feeding.

7th October – If Benedict Cumberbatch were to have a son, he ought to name him Quentin. Because then he’ll be Q. Cumberbatch.

10th October – Only my other half would describe a midwife appointment with the words “She stabbed me in the arm and sucked my blood…”.

7th November –  Oh, predictive text. Where have you been all my loaf?

10th November – It was a decent memorial service, but it’s kind of difficult to grant the dead quite the same level of respect and decorum when the prayers are interrupted by one of the girl scouts being sick on the pavement.

12th November – It’s fine, love. Your pants are very nice, and if you want to show them to us by hitching up your skirt while you readjust your tights while we’re in the middle of a conversation, you go ahead. I’m sure no one at the swimming pool minds.

18th November – Emily is sitting in the kitchen, bouncing on a large purple gym ball in an attempt to kickstart this baby’s journey down the birth canal, building a model TARDIS. It is times like this that I remember why I married her.

30th November – Tonight on Facebook: The Movie List List Challenge, or A Hundred Movie List Challenges You Must Examine Before You Die. How many of these have *you* done?

2nd December – I know it’s about as likely as an Abba reunion, because he’d never agree to it, but it struck me this evening that Peter Gabriel Night would make for a potentially half-decent edition of The X-Factor.

3rd December – While in the library this morning I came across a rewritten version of A Christmas Carol in which Ebeneezer Scrooge battles, Living Dead style, against hordes of decaying corpses. It features – and I’m not kidding – the battle cry “God bash ’em, every zom!”.

6th December – Mother-in-law is in the spare room. She said that she didn’t sleep particularly well, and woke up at 5 a.m. with a sore throat, so she ate a Fisherman’s Friend. I didn’t even know they were touring.

6th December – In the village, the peaceful village / The lion sleeps tonight / However, the villagers seem to be having trouble dropping off.

6th December – Why do I always get stuck behind the woman paying with the coin bag? WHY?

17th December – He’s making a list / and checking it twice / which is hardly the most efficient of workflows, which suggests Santa isn’t familiar with the concept of value stream mapping, or at the very least buddy checking.

19th December – Tabitha’s becoming almost clumsy as she approaches middle age. Last night, she was sitting on the desk in the study when she seemed to slip seven inches along a plain unvarnished surface, tumbling off the edge in an acrobatic display that seemed to defy the laws of physics, and digging in hard and fast with her claws to the first thing she could reach on the way down. Unfortunately that turned out to be my hand.

22nd December – Dear visiting preacher: I know it’s the final Sunday in Advent, and I know we’re thinking about Mary, and I know that it’s a time of reverence and respect amidst the joy and celebration. But please don’t speak about lighting four candles and expect me to keep a straight face.